🇩🇪 Donald Trump: The German We Have, Not the German We Want
🗺️ When You Think “German Ancestry”...
Say “German-American,” and your mind might drift to a lineage of composers, philosophers, scientists, or craftsmen. You think of Einstein's brilliance, Beethoven’s passion, or Werner von Braun’s rockets. Even the bratwurst has a kind of earthy nobility to it. But instead of inheriting any of that cerebral or cultural weight, America got Donald J. Trump — a man whose most German quality is perhaps his unearned confidence in everything but facts.
Trump is, in essence, the German we have—loud, brash, ostentatious—not the German we want—disciplined, reflective, or even vaguely competent.
Let’s take a trip down the Deutsche disaster that is the Trump family tree.
đź‘´ Friedrich Trump: Immigrant, Brothel Keeper, Draft Dodger
Donald’s grandfather, Friedrich Trump, immigrated from the wine-producing village of Kallstadt, Germany in 1885. Like many immigrants, he came seeking opportunity. But he didn’t become a scholar or laborer—he became a businessman in the loosest sense of the word.
During the Yukon Gold Rush, Friedrich ran restaurants, but more infamously, brothels, catering to lonely miners in Canada’s wild frontier. He made his fortune off booze and sex, then tried to take it back to Germany. But Kaiser Wilhelm’s government wasn’t impressed: they deported him for dodging compulsory military service.
So, the Trump dynasty starts not with sacrifice or brilliance—but with a man booted from his homeland for skipping the draft and profiting off desperate men.
Let’s just say, no medals were awarded.
🧓 Fred Trump: The Welfare King of White Suburbia
Friedrich’s son, Fred Trump, was born in New York and grew up in a country ripe with postwar federal subsidies. He became a real estate mogul, but his empire was built on government-backed housing contracts, FHA handouts, and systemic racism.
Highlights of Fred’s “success” include:
Being sued by the federal government for racially discriminating against Black tenants in the 1970s.
Allegedly padding construction costs on public housing projects to inflate profits at taxpayer expense.
Transferring over $400 million in wealth to Donald through shady tax loopholes and fraudulent accounting.
He wasn’t so much a visionary as a certified landlord with a deep love for grift.
So while immigrants elsewhere were working their way up through honest toil, Fred was building his fortune by rigging the system—and teaching his son to do the same.
👶 Donald J. Trump: The Golden Bratwurst of Queens
Enter Donald—the third generation, and arguably the family’s most aggressive con artist. Rather than rise above his forebears, he perfected the family tradition of dodging responsibility, weaponizing whiteness, and exploiting public trust.
Some of Trump’s greatest hits include:
Dodging the Vietnam draft with a suspicious case of “bone spurs,” despite his athleticism in other areas.
Creating Trump University, a predatory scam that promised success and delivered debt.
Running a fake charity, which was dissolved after being found guilty of misusing donations.
Declaring bankruptcy six times, leaving investors and workers behind while he walked away unscathed.
Turning the White House into a for-profit branding exercise, funneling taxpayer money into his resorts, golf courses, and family business.
He talks like a tough guy but folds under pressure. He boasts about “knowing more than the generals,” yet hides behind lawyers when subpoenas show up. He brags about being a patriot but reportedly refused to visit war cemeteries, saying fallen soldiers were “suckers” and “losers.”
And despite being a German-American, he never quite absorbed the discipline, strategic intelligence, or humility that marked some of his countrymen. Instead, he brought us a cartoonish caricature of power—more schnitzel and swagger than substance.
🪦 The Legacy: Draft Dodging, Grifting, and Gold Plating Failure
Let’s summarize the family trajectory:
Friedrich Trump:
Dodged military service in Germany.
Ran brothels and saloons.
Deported by his own country.
Fred Trump:
Exploited government subsidies.
Accused of racial discrimination.
Secretly funneled wealth to his kids to dodge taxes.
Donald Trump:
Draft dodger.
Serial bankrupter.
Insulted war heroes and POWs.
Turned a global pandemic into a branding opportunity.
Not exactly the von Braun lineage of engineers, or the civic leadership of Dwight D. Eisenhower, another German-American. Instead, we got a man whose ancestry reads like a how-to manual for gaming the American system—not building it.
🧠Final Thought: What We Got vs. What We Deserve
If America had to have a German-born legacy in the Oval Office, it could’ve hoped for the philosophical depth of Hannah Arendt, the disciplined leadership of Eisenhower, or even the simple humility of a Midwestern baker with a stern sense of duty.
Instead, we got the guy who thinks windmills cause cancer, pronounces “Yosemite” like it’s an off-brand pasta, and mistakes loudness for leadership.
Trump isn’t the worst possible German-American—but he’s the most ridiculous one to ever hold power. A man so drenched in delusion and ego that he somehow took a multi-generational head start and turned it into a gold-plated trainwreck.
So yes, he’s the German we have. But history—and decency—deserve better Germans than this.
